
I have been a brilliant student academically until now (sounds like braggery but doesn't matter) and as for exams, I have always taken them very seriously for I have learnt all my student life, from my mom, that when it comes to exams, winning is not everything- it is the only thing. Results have always been crucial to me... thank God, I have been able to console my mom until now as I have always got good grades in almost all the exams I have taken.
I must, however, admit that I don't fall under the hard-working students' category. I have taken so many exams until now (I am a student of BA 2nd year at present) and never have I been satisfied with what I do or write in exams. I always have a feeling that I could have done much better, and then I anticipate my results to be not really good. But when you expect the least good to happen, the best happens. And this has been the case with me most of the times.
The secret?? Well, people say I can express what I know in a simple and clear manner. I hope I could believe that... :)
You know, when I sit for the preparation of any exam, I have only one thing in mind. 'I have to prepare myself in such a way that tomorrow, in the exams, I will not have to ask anything to anyone, and I won't teach anything to anyone.' And, as you might have guessed, I have never been able to implement this principle. Either I end up asking a question or two for confirmation, or I help a near-by examinee... Mostly I do the latter one, because I really feel guilty inside when I turn deaf ears to people asking for my help. And I really can't stand myself if I need to ask someone for help in 'exams'.
Back at schools, our invigilators used to be really strict. So there was no question of cheating and moving our eyes here and there. It was quite different at college however. Internal exams were not valued much and the supervisors didn't care much if somebody was cheating, copying or making noise. Most of the students didn't even appear in the exams.
But I and some of my friends were sincere enough and took all the exams. Ya, I topped all the internal exams, both in 11 and 12 standards. But in the final exams, I couldn't secure my position. I was more than just disheartened.
I didn't know what 'guess papers' or 'guides' meant when I was in +2. I had no idea that the key to good marks could be mugging up the answers provided by guess papers and guides. I had always valued my own understanding, specially in social sciences. I wrote what I felt, what I understood regarding a poem or a text. I always tried to maintain that my answers were my original and not what somebody had already written. It worked well at internal exams, but I guess my ideas and understanding didn't click at the examiner's mind concerning the board exam papers. May be I was wrong then. May be I had to remain the conventional type- mug up all the answers and write them as it is...
But I could never do that, I still haven't been able to do that...
The other things that really demotivated me was that I could see so many examinees cheating in front of me. I would be sitting for the exams, all nervous yet prepared to give my best, to really evaluate what I have been able to learn all these years, and next to me, I could see other boys and girls copying answers directly from the guess papers, guides and cheats they had stuffed into their pockets or wherever. This really really depressed me, made me want to yell and shout and cry... it isn't fair, is it?
Is there no value for hard work? Ya, hard work will pay one day but when? People say results do not matter, what matters is what you can do in the future... but excuse me, who can really satisfy himself/herself to say 'ah it's ok, results were not that good but I have the capability to prove myself better in future endeavours'... at least I can't. I have always believed that results 'MATTER' and I still believe that they do.
I have seen my parents, specially my mom, rejoice over my brilliant performances all over these years. She is an illiterate woman and doesn't understand what grades or percentages are- she only knows that her daughter should get the best results. She should win everyone. I have seen her eyes dance with unspeakable joys when my class teachers handed over my results as the topper. My mom still hopes to get the same honour, she still wants me to get the best results, she still wants to see that number '1' in me. And I still want to give her all that, and more.
I have never been able to cheat because I don't have the guts to cheat myself. No, my self-dignity will never allow me do that. The 2nd year's exams are only a couple of months away and I prepare myself to be able to digest all that I will be able to witness- right in front of my eyes. And this time around,I wont let anything as such disturb me. I will give my best... and accept whatever the results, with full dignity and honour to myself.
Truly, winning is not everything, it's the only thing for me. But I wouldn't accept my victory achieved through wrong means. And 'cheating' is wrong, at least I believe it is!!